| Author |
Message |
    
Robert Charles Linford
Assistant Commissioner
Username: Robert
Post Number: 1382
Registered: 3-2003
| | Posted on Tuesday, November 25, 2003 - 5:58 pm: | 
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Abberline was at the music hall. There was an idea he wanted to try.
Eventually the memory man came onstage. Abberline rose and shouted : "What are the Thirty-nine Stabs?"
"The Thirty-nine Stabs", replied the memory man, "is a secret organisation. Sir William Gull, Prince Eddie - "
A shot rang out.....
Robert |
Jeffrey Bloomfied
Inspector
Username: Mayerling
Post Number: 165
Registered: 2-2003
| | Posted on Tuesday, November 25, 2003 - 10:35 pm: |
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The Professor and the Colonel were passing
Buck's Row and saw the murder. They followed the
killer to his address. They had him watched and realized he was a serial killer. "Should we tip off Abberline and Warren?", asked Moran. "Not a bit of it", replied Moriarty, "think of the great cover to our activities this is giving us!" |
Caroline Anne Morris
Inspector
Username: Caz
Post Number: 491
Registered: 2-2003
| | Posted on Wednesday, November 26, 2003 - 5:18 am: |
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“I felt the knife in my hand and she laughed no more”, he sang softly, pulling her door to. “Tomorrow I’ll confess, and someday these words will be on a million lips. They will think of my name and understand”, mused Thomas Jones, slipping into the darkness and the path of a fast-moving carriage.
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Robert Charles Linford
Assistant Commissioner
Username: Robert
Post Number: 1384
Registered: 3-2003
| | Posted on Wednesday, November 26, 2003 - 5:31 am: |
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But then he looked down the lane, and there ran Mary - hair of gold and lips like cherries!
"Oh well," he thought. "It's not unusual."
Robert |
AP Wolf
Chief Inspector
Username: Apwolf
Post Number: 581
Registered: 2-2003
| | Posted on Wednesday, November 26, 2003 - 12:52 pm: |
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‘But why does he do it?’ Queen Victoria asked.
‘Well, Mam, the latest research would appear to indicate that he is a young man with an unhealthy fixation on his mother…’ replied Sir Charles Warren.
‘So he will grow out of it then?’
‘One hopes so your Majesty.’
The Prince Regent enters clutching a knife.
|
AP Wolf
Chief Inspector
Username: Apwolf
Post Number: 585
Registered: 2-2003
| | Posted on Wednesday, November 26, 2003 - 1:53 pm: |
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A patrolling constable in Whitechapel stops a young man covered in blood and carrying a blood-stained package.
‘Now then, young Thomas,’ asks the constable. ‘Seen anything suspicious tonight?’
‘Arrrrrggghhhhgraaaagruuuugraaagreeegahgahgahgahgah.’
‘What’s that you’ve got there then?’
‘Arrrrgahgahgehgehgohgohgraaaaaagullupgollumgallum.’
‘Go on then, off with you, you know your uncle doesn’t like you being out all night.’
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Robert Charles Linford
Assistant Commissioner
Username: Robert
Post Number: 1394
Registered: 3-2003
| | Posted on Wednesday, November 26, 2003 - 4:45 pm: |
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PC Watkins was strolling along Mitre Street. A pale, sickly-looking woman passed him and whispered : "The Square."
He paid no heed - she seemed drunk.
But when he entered the Square, his hair stood on end. And as he reluctantly looked more closely, he started shaking.
It was the same woman.
Robert |
AP Wolf
Chief Inspector
Username: Apwolf
Post Number: 588
Registered: 2-2003
| | Posted on Thursday, November 27, 2003 - 3:22 am: |
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(with apologies to Robert whose idea this was originally)
‘So you think you can solve the crimes, Holmes?’
‘Let me smoke a few pipes over it, Watson.’
Some three hours elapse before Watson’s patience is finally exhausted.
‘Well, Holmes!?’
‘A yellow submarine, Watson.’
‘A ‘what’, Holmes!?’
‘We all live in a yellow submarine, Watson, alimentary I would have thought.’
|
Christian Jaud
Detective Sergeant
Username: Chrisjd
Post Number: 58
Registered: 2-2003
| | Posted on Thursday, November 27, 2003 - 3:41 am: |
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Variation on Robert L.:
PC Watkins was strolling along Mitre Street. A pale, sickly-looking woman passed him and whispered : "The Square."
He paid no heed - she seemed drunk.
But when he entered the Square, his hair stood on end. And as he reluctantly looked more closely, he started shaking.
There was the mutilated corpse of a man, his intenstines arranged on his dark overcoat.
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Robert Charles Linford
Assistant Commissioner
Username: Robert
Post Number: 1395
Registered: 3-2003
| | Posted on Thursday, November 27, 2003 - 5:09 am: |
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AP, Christian, I loved both of those!
Watson burst into the room.
"Holmes! I've just heard that a man in Whitechapel has received a letter from someone who's convinced he knows who the murderer is. And the letter mentions your hat!"
"Quick, Watson, burn my deerstalker!"
"Immediately, Holmes!"
Holmes sadly watched the incineration of his hat, then picked up a newspaper. He gave an angry yell.
"You fool, Watson. Here is the letter on the front page. Read it!"
Watson read the item :
"A Whitechapel man has received the following letter :
Dear stalker,
I know what your game is, Hutchinson!
Yours
Bob Hinton."
I tried on the poetry thread to imagine what it would be like if men were the object of these attacks. So far all I've got is :
Do not castrate me, oh my darling
On this our wedding day....
Robert |
AP Wolf
Chief Inspector
Username: Apwolf
Post Number: 590
Registered: 2-2003
| | Posted on Thursday, November 27, 2003 - 8:51 am: |
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Robert
enjoying yours as well, especially liked the Tom Jones one, laughed out loud again.
The world of Rippeology was in uproar today over the announcement that two researchers have discovered the grave of Joseph Barnett, prime suspect for Jack the Ripper.
'The headstone says it all,' commented Ms. Perry, one of the researchers. 'For there carved for all to see are the words:
"I came. I saw. I conked her." .' |
Robert Charles Linford
Assistant Commissioner
Username: Robert
Post Number: 1401
Registered: 3-2003
| | Posted on Thursday, November 27, 2003 - 10:02 am: |
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Very funny again, AP. Yes, with so many (different) Barnett theories on the Boards, it looks as if Joe is all things to all men (and women).
Robert |
Robert Charles Linford
Assistant Commissioner
Username: Robert
Post Number: 1404
Registered: 3-2003
| | Posted on Thursday, November 27, 2003 - 5:19 pm: |
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THE SHORTEST STORY EVER TOLD
"Surely this man was Jack the Ripper."
Thanks to John Wayne.
Robert |
Robert Charles Linford
Assistant Commissioner
Username: Robert
Post Number: 1407
Registered: 3-2003
| | Posted on Thursday, November 27, 2003 - 6:19 pm: |
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Sir
Can nothing be done to stop young bounders coming into people's gardens and taking the best stones from their rockeries?
Disgusted of Chiswick |
AP Wolf
Chief Inspector
Username: Apwolf
Post Number: 596
Registered: 2-2003
| | Posted on Friday, November 28, 2003 - 10:32 am: |
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(Letter to the Times)
Sir
I write regarding this Ripper chap.
If soldiers with gatling guns were posted at every Whitechapel intersection and junction so that when the beggars poked their heads out of their doors they were immediately shot off, this would soon account for the chap.
yours
Major Bloodnut (retired)
The Curry House
Chutney
The Chapati Islands. |
Jeffrey Bloomfied
Inspector
Username: Mayerling
Post Number: 167
Registered: 2-2003
| | Posted on Friday, November 28, 2003 - 5:16 pm: |
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To the Editor of THE TIMES,
Having studied the Whitechapel Horrors carefully, I am certain that the perpetrator is one Neddie
Seagoon, possibly with the assistance of a professional village idiot named Eccles.
Yours,
Grytpipe - Thynn |
Robert Charles Linford
Assistant Commissioner
Username: Robert
Post Number: 1421
Registered: 3-2003
| | Posted on Friday, November 28, 2003 - 5:41 pm: |
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To the Editor of THE TIMES,
I forgot to mention that this afternoon I went to Mr Seagoon's house and knocked on the door. Mr Seagoon shouted through the letter-box that he was out. I asked him when he'd be in. He replied that he'd be in when I was somewhere far away. Accordingly, I told him that I'd come back when I was somewhere far away.
I have been travelling ever since, and will apprise you of developments.
Yours,
Grytpipe - Thynn |
Robert Charles Linford
Assistant Commissioner
Username: Robert
Post Number: 1422
Registered: 3-2003
| | Posted on Saturday, November 29, 2003 - 3:06 am: |
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Letter to THE TIMES
Help! I'm extremely worried about the behaviour of my lodger. He's going out more and more and coming in less and less. Yesterday he went out 73 times, and only came in twice.
This morning I found his bloody shirt wrapped round the head of a woman. He said he cut himself shaving.
We'll all be murdered in our beds!
Yours
Miss Minnie Bannister |
Robert Charles Linford
Assistant Commissioner
Username: Robert
Post Number: 1428
Registered: 3-2003
| | Posted on Saturday, November 29, 2003 - 3:03 pm: |
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Throughout that awful autumn of 1888, Holmes came and went in a bewildering variety of disguises.
"Glad to see you're hard at work on the case, Holmes."
"I am not hard at work on the case, Watson."
"But - then why the disguises?"
"Elementary. I'm six months behind with the rent."
Robert |
Jeffrey Bloomfied
Inspector
Username: Mayerling
Post Number: 168
Registered: 2-2003
| | Posted on Saturday, November 29, 2003 - 3:45 pm: |
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The great man entered his lab room. Mr. Polton and I waited for a comment, but his grim face told us both that the news was bad. "Warren and
Abberline would not listen to you then?", I asked.
"Not at all...very discouraging." "Then they just won't accept your findings?", Polton said.
"Lestrade said not as long as my name is Thorndyke and not Holmes!", the doctor replied. |
Robert Charles Linford
Assistant Commissioner
Username: Robert
Post Number: 1431
Registered: 3-2003
| | Posted on Saturday, November 29, 2003 - 5:32 pm: |
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"The leaflets from the printers must have arrived!" cried Lusk. " 'George Lusk, builder. No job too small.' I'll have them pushed through every letterbox in the neighbourhood. Let's look at them."
Lusk unwrapped the parcel. His face fell.
"Oh, really!' he exclaimed indignantly. "Can't something be done about all this junk mail?"
Robert |
Robert Clack
Inspector
Username: Rclack
Post Number: 171
Registered: 3-2003
| | Posted on Saturday, November 29, 2003 - 6:29 pm: |
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Some of Roberts post, make me wish we still had the rating system, but then they only went up to five stars.
Heres my small contribution, a variation on one of Roberts earlier posts.
"Just one more, and then I have finished", he said to himself. And then he saw her, huddled against a lampost. He moved towards her like a predator. He reached into his bag. She saw him! she knew who he was, but it was to late to run, he was upon her.
"Sunlight soap miss, buy one get one free".
Rob |
Robert Charles Linford
Assistant Commissioner
Username: Robert
Post Number: 1434
Registered: 3-2003
| | Posted on Saturday, November 29, 2003 - 7:12 pm: |
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Very nice, Rob - and thanks for the comments.
From the UNSENSATIONALIST OBSERVER
Yesterday police were called to a house in Dorset Street.Doctors examined the female occupant, one of them saying : "This is the worst case of upset tummy I've ever seen."
There is no reason for panic - a badly cooked meal of fish and potatoes is suspected.
Robert |
Robert Charles Linford
Assistant Commissioner
Username: Robert
Post Number: 1436
Registered: 3-2003
| | Posted on Saturday, November 29, 2003 - 7:52 pm: |
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From the NEW AND EXCITING DISCOVERER
NEW AND EXCITING DISCOVERY!
A document recently discovered reveals the full text of the famous Goulston Street graffito. The message was in fact longer than hitherto thought, and shows unmistakable signs of having been written by a schoolmaster - throwing fresh suspicion on Mr Druitt. Here is the message in full :
The Juwes are not the men that will be blamed for nothing.
The Juwes were not the men that would be blamed for nothing.
The Juwes will not be the men that will be blamed for nothing.
I am not the man that will be blamed for nothing.
You are not the man that will be blamed for nothing.
He is not the man that will be blamed for nothing.
She is not a man at all.
We are not the men that will be blamed for nothing.
You are not the men that will be blamed for nothing.
They are not the men that will be blamed for nothing.
Experts believe that to stop and write a message of this length required great coolness (and pedantry).
Robert |
Jack Traisson
Unregistered guest
| | Posted on Wednesday, November 26, 2003 - 3:52 pm: |
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It started and ended in Whitechapel - from being sh*t out into this world by his poor, tired mother to his demise amidst its filth and squalor. Yet no one could explain why this quiet, unobtrusive man had so many knives in his possession when he died. |
Robert Charles Linford
Assistant Commissioner
Username: Robert
Post Number: 1442
Registered: 3-2003
| | Posted on Monday, December 01, 2003 - 2:29 pm: |
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From the CHISWICK EXCITING DISCOVERER
It is with sadness that we report the death of Mr Montague Druitt - barrister, teacher, sportsman, and Chiswick Pooh Sticks Champion for 1888.
Deceased left a note saying that since Friday he felt he was going to be like his mother, and that the best thing for him was to buy a nice yellow dress with matching accessories, and a bottle of perfume.
Robert |
Robert Charles Linford
Assistant Commissioner
Username: Robert
Post Number: 1451
Registered: 3-2003
| | Posted on Tuesday, December 02, 2003 - 8:14 am: |
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"Mr Druitt!" boomed Valentine. "Your employment is terminated."
"Oh! So you know that I am Jack the Ripper?"
"Indeed? I shall inform the constabulary. Actually, Mr Druitt, I was thinking of the 500 run drubbing we received yesterday at the hands of Blackheath Ragged School."
Druitt turned and headed for the river....
Robert |
Jeffrey Bloomfied
Inspector
Username: Mayerling
Post Number: 171
Registered: 2-2003
| | Posted on Tuesday, December 02, 2003 - 10:23 pm: |
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Mr. Shaw was amazed that a Scotland Yard Detective and the theatre critic of THE TIMES felt it necessary to deliver a letter about PYGMALION to him. "You'll understand, sir, when you read it," said Inspector Dew, "The author says he just wanted to return a critical favour to you." The dramatist read allowed: "This independent genius has followed Mr. S's career with interest since 1888, and has found it a singularly original and brilliant one...possibly unrivaled in our theatre since Shakespeare's day
[upon reading this part, Shaw's brow briefly darkened - he did not care to be compared to inferior playwrites]. PYGMALION is a fascinating
comedy of social classes and artificial distinctions that are chasms. Tree and Mrs. Pat make the most of the characters of Higgins and
Ms. Doolittle - the latter being only a step above from some ladies I personally knew once in the East End. The only weakness was in the scene of the garden party at Mrs. Higgins home, when Eliza is presented in a test of her enhanced use of language and social skills. Her uncertainty is brilliantly shown in her use of a foul word, but I must admit that there are perfectly proper times to use the word "bl--dy" without being nasty. As for example, "that was a sanguinary crime". Also, the story of the possible poisoning of Eliza's aunt for the purpose of stealing her hat struck me as a ridiculous waste of time. Can one see Dr. Cream or Chapman poisoning any of their victims to steal a hat?
But these are small points. It was a definitely
worthwhile evening of intelligent drama, which I urge everyone to attend. I am certain that it may even bring the theatre - going public of the
West End into an inept form of socialistic reform. Your's truly, Jack...." |
Adam Wood
Unregistered guest
| | Posted on Wednesday, December 03, 2003 - 5:36 pm: |
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Ladies and Gentleman, the humble request in Ripperologist no. 50 for submissions for a Shortest Story on Jack the Ripper seems to have hit a nerve with posters and I have to say that there have been some crackers.
However, I'm saddened to report that very few entries have been sent to Ripperologist itself. Yes, we know that publication deadlines mean that on-the-spur-of-the-moment-funnies do not appear for a month or two, but are we to assume that the Rip is a means to request novel ideas but not to receive them?
Adam
Ripperologist magazine
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Robert Charles Linford
Assistant Commissioner
Username: Robert
Post Number: 1477
Registered: 3-2003
| | Posted on Thursday, December 04, 2003 - 4:05 pm: |
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Hi Adam
The idea was just for anyone who wanted to, to have a go, and then for the magazine to take anything it wanted straight from the thread. I think that's what I said when I emailed Stephen to check if it would be Ok to start a thread on this. So if he doesn't mind, I suppose that's it.
Robert
|
Suzi Hanney
Inspector
Username: Suzi
Post Number: 368
Registered: 7-2003
| | Posted on Monday, January 19, 2004 - 4:09 pm: |
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Hi all
Couldn't resist this!!
Knock,Click,Hello,6d?,Aaaaaaaaaaagh!
Suzi |
Jeff Hamm
Chief Inspector
Username: Jeffhamm
Post Number: 582
Registered: 7-2003
| | Posted on Wednesday, December 22, 2004 - 2:38 pm: |
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Lowering his pipe, the tall man whispered down the alley "C'mon Druitt, do it!".
- Jeff |
Gibson Vendettuoli
Unregistered guest
| | Posted on Wednesday, January 19, 2005 - 6:08 pm: |
|
He removed his yarmulke and put down the bloodied ceremonial knife. "May you finish with a good signature," he told it. Then he pulled a smaller knife...a Liston. "They'll never know," he sighed. "El Shaddai, forgive me." Then he walked outside and saw a carriage coming. He smiled with a mad glare in his eye. "I AM JACK!" he screamed, plunging the knife into his chest and jumping in front of the carriage.
Sure, it's over 55 words, but I had to write it. |
Kris Law
Inspector
Username: Kris
Post Number: 462
Registered: 12-2003
| | Posted on Thursday, January 20, 2005 - 1:19 pm: |
|
Victor lay in the back of the dank opium den, his heart slowing down with each beat. Acrid yellow smoke drifted into his nostrils, reminding him of the smell of rotting meat. He smiled.
Closing his eyes for the last time, mouth dry, his lips moved to form words, but almost no sound escaped. In the dark, nobody heard him whisper "Mary".
-K
I'll see you in time . . .
|
Robert Charles Linford
Assistant Commissioner
Username: Robert
Post Number: 3929
Registered: 3-2003
| | Posted on Thursday, January 20, 2005 - 1:47 pm: |
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The lunatic opened the door of 13 room, and stepped out into the cold autumnal early dawn.
"I told you I'd get you, whore!" he snarled as he walked away. "And just look what I've done to your kettle."
Robert |
George Hutchinson
Inspector
Username: Philip
Post Number: 206
Registered: 1-2005
| | Posted on Thursday, January 20, 2005 - 3:45 pm: |
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Another destruction driven by his demons. The well-kept body of this unsuspecting child of Eve cast asunder in crimson tides of gore.
The violator licks his lips, shines his proud teeth, casts his eyes skywards...
...and jumps in through Elizabeth Prater's window, purrs, and curls up on her bed contentedly.
 
PHILIP
Tour guides do it loudly in front of a crowd!
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ex PFC Wintergreen
Unregistered guest
| | Posted on Monday, April 11, 2005 - 12:17 am: |
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One day Jack got up.
"What a luvly day!" 'e cried "I fink I'll murder a 'ore!"
And he did.
The End.
Wintergreen. |
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