| Author |
Message |
    
Robert Charles Linford
Assistant Commissioner
Username: Robert
Post Number: 1310
Registered: 3-2003
| | Posted on Friday, November 21, 2003 - 8:51 am: | 
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Hi folks
"Ripperologist" magazine is looking for the shortest ever JTR story (must be under 55 words).
This thread is so you can all have a go.
I'll start the ball rolling.
The old man gasped out his story :
"Now that I'm dying I want to unburden my soul. You've heard of Jack the Ripper? Well....the knife I used was stolen."
Then with a placid face, he died.
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I'll tell you the shortest JTR story. The murderer was a dwarf. JTRs don't come shorter than that.
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Interrupted, Jack left Buck's Row, muttering :
("Continued next week")
I only hope the standard improves after this!
Robert
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Christopher T George
Inspector
Username: Chrisg
Post Number: 436
Registered: 2-2003
| | Posted on Friday, November 21, 2003 - 12:22 pm: |
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Surveying the Ripper books in the bookstore, Jack sighed, "I am not the man to be blamed for nothing."  |
Robert Charles Linford
Assistant Commissioner
Username: Robert
Post Number: 1314
Registered: 3-2003
| | Posted on Friday, November 21, 2003 - 1:18 pm: |
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Clever and funny, Chris!
Robert |
Robert Charles Linford
Assistant Commissioner
Username: Robert
Post Number: 1315
Registered: 3-2003
| | Posted on Friday, November 21, 2003 - 1:42 pm: |
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"Elementary, Watson. Kelly wasn't murdered - Fisher was."
"Amazing, Holmes! And Eddowes?"
"Was Stride."
"Chapman?"
"Was Nichols."
"And I - "
"Am he."
"As you - "
"Are he."
"And Jack?"
"Obviously, Watson, Jack was the walrus."
I gazed at my friend in astonishment and thought, 'It's amazing what cocaine can do.'
Robert |
Brad McGinnis
Detective Sergeant
Username: Brad
Post Number: 56
Registered: 4-2003
| | Posted on Friday, November 21, 2003 - 3:16 pm: |
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It was the day of the big horse race. Sir James and Bunny watched the proceedings from next to the Royal booth. Weakened by arsenic and the weight of his awful crimes, James stumbled and fell into the Royal paddock.
"Pardon me, Your Majesty." He cryed.
"We forgive you, but arent amused". said Victoria.
With that Maybrick died with a clean soul. |
AP Wolf
Chief Inspector
Username: Apwolf
Post Number: 559
Registered: 2-2003
| | Posted on Friday, November 21, 2003 - 4:13 pm: |
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Jack and Jill went up the hill
And Jack came down without her.
All the king’s horses and all the king’s men
Couldn’t put Jill back together again.
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Robert Charles Linford
Assistant Commissioner
Username: Robert
Post Number: 1320
Registered: 3-2003
| | Posted on Friday, November 21, 2003 - 4:43 pm: |
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Very nice, Brad and AP - even if you did go over 55 words, Brad.
Robert |
AP Wolf
Chief Inspector
Username: Apwolf
Post Number: 564
Registered: 2-2003
| | Posted on Saturday, November 22, 2003 - 1:41 pm: |
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Jack the Ripper was Blind!
The eminent forensic psychologist and criminal profiler Dr. Groucho Freud-Marx-Jung has announced that after fifty years research he has concluded that Jack the Ripper must have been blind.
‘The massive mutilations explain everything,’ he explained. ‘He couldn’t find what he was looking for.’
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Robert Charles Linford
Assistant Commissioner
Username: Robert
Post Number: 1330
Registered: 3-2003
| | Posted on Saturday, November 22, 2003 - 4:09 pm: |
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Very funny! Well done, AP.
Robert |
Brad McGinnis
Detective Sergeant
Username: Brad
Post Number: 57
Registered: 4-2003
| | Posted on Saturday, November 22, 2003 - 4:40 pm: |
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Eddy was depressed. He had no money for a new gown for the Transvestites Ball. His lover James said, "Hey, I met this Yank Dr. on Cleveland St who's paying cash for hooker guts!". |
Robert Charles Linford
Assistant Commissioner
Username: Robert
Post Number: 1333
Registered: 3-2003
| | Posted on Saturday, November 22, 2003 - 5:44 pm: |
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Hi Brad
And he killed Kelly for her crossover shawl.
Robert |
Brad McGinnis
Detective Sergeant
Username: Brad
Post Number: 58
Registered: 4-2003
| | Posted on Saturday, November 22, 2003 - 7:09 pm: |
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As was his custom, Walter Sickert arose in the evening. Donning top hat and cape, he checked his image in the mirror. Grinning wickedly at his reflection, Sickert said, "I am a bad man."
He then left his White Chappel studio to prove it. |
Robert Charles Linford
Assistant Commissioner
Username: Robert
Post Number: 1335
Registered: 3-2003
| | Posted on Saturday, November 22, 2003 - 8:22 pm: |
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Poor old Sickert! Now he's going to get another bashing from AP.
I have just received an extremely short and cryptic JTR story from the next world, which I am posting using automatic spirit typing. Some people may feel that the author hasn't really put all that much effort into the story, but anyway, here it is :
"I know who did it."
The author is one Sir Robert Anderson.
Robert |
Donald Souden
Sergeant
Username: Supe
Post Number: 42
Registered: 10-2003
| | Posted on Saturday, November 22, 2003 - 9:32 pm: |
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Folks,
Try this. It's a little crude, but certainly short and sadly right on the money.
It's 115 years and we still don't know Jack-sh*t!
Don. |
Frank van Oploo
Sergeant
Username: Franko
Post Number: 22
Registered: 9-2003
| | Posted on Saturday, November 22, 2003 - 9:35 pm: |
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I couldn't keep it any shorter thant this, I'm afraid:
Over a century ago in London some Jack of all Trades killed unhappy hookers with a kingsized knife. He had been a doctor, painter, bricklayer and a cotton merchant. The culprit preserved the organs he took from his victims in a nice Chianti. During the whole investigation the police didn’t see the writing on the wall. They only found out for sure that an apron beloning to one of Jack’s victims was of bad quality – it tore too easily - and that some Jews were to blame for that. All the murders took place in some tiny, white chapel.
All the best,
Frank |
Brad McGinnis
Detective Sergeant
Username: Brad
Post Number: 59
Registered: 4-2003
| | Posted on Saturday, November 22, 2003 - 10:41 pm: |
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An intense brooding man hunched over the newspaper. Slowly a smile gave way to ribald laughter. "First bloodhounds, now profilers. They'll never catch me! Ha, ha!." With that he filled his pockets with rocks and jumped into the Thames.
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Brad McGinnis
Detective Sergeant
Username: Brad
Post Number: 60
Registered: 4-2003
| | Posted on Saturday, November 22, 2003 - 10:57 pm: |
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The embodiment of All Evil looked at his handiwork on the bed at Millers Court. "I shall do this forever!" he thought.
Little did he know he had an appointment with James T. Kirk on Argelia.
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Frank van Oploo
Sergeant
Username: Franko
Post Number: 23
Registered: 9-2003
| | Posted on Sunday, November 23, 2003 - 9:32 am: |
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The shadowy figure closed the door, taking off the astracan trimmed coat. ‘Who shall I be next time?’ it mumbled, removing the wig and eye lashes. ‘Not a soldier, nor a sailor or a clerk… I must find a new disguise...' Smiling at the mirror the figure said: ‘They won’t fix you, Jill.’
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Robert Charles Linford
Assistant Commissioner
Username: Robert
Post Number: 1340
Registered: 3-2003
| | Posted on Sunday, November 23, 2003 - 10:08 am: |
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Great stuff, gentlemen.
Hutchinson walked along the line, while Abberline waited anxiously. Finally he stopped before a posh-looking man.
"Sane age. Same height. Same face. Same moustache. Same coat, same hat, same spats, gold chain and tie pin."
Abberline gasped with relief.
"But it's no good. The eyelashes are all wrong."
Abberline slumped to the floor.
Robert |
AP Wolf
Chief Inspector
Username: Apwolf
Post Number: 566
Registered: 2-2003
| | Posted on Sunday, November 23, 2003 - 10:17 am: |
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Superintendent Cutbush - in charge of lodging houses - is called into a meeting with Sir Charles Warren at Scotland Yard.
‘Now then, Cutbush, we need to clean up these lodging houses of yours, full of whores, got anyone in mind for the job?’
‘Oh yes, sir,’ replies Cutbush. ‘I’ve got the very man for the job.’
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Brad McGinnis
Detective Sergeant
Username: Brad
Post Number: 62
Registered: 4-2003
| | Posted on Sunday, November 23, 2003 - 10:36 am: |
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Old man Sickert stood unsteadily. With his penis pointed north he urinated into a pot to his southeast. "Fistula, Smistula", he thought. He pitched forward and a snowdome fell from his hand.As he lay on the floor he spoke his final words...."A?R, A?R..."
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Jeffrey Bloomfied
Inspector
Username: Mayerling
Post Number: 163
Registered: 2-2003
| | Posted on Sunday, November 23, 2003 - 11:17 am: |
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The Doctor had cleaned himself thoroughly, that
November 9th, and thought, "Well, that's that!".
He opened his son's last diary for the first time,
and out fell a small note addressed to him: "Dear
father, I am dying of syphilis I caught from that
woman patient you were treating who died in January 1887. I was foolish but in love. Nobody
else is to blame." Dr. Stanley thought, "Now he
tells me?"
[Too long, perhaps, but I couldn't resist it.] |
Robert Charles Linford
Assistant Commissioner
Username: Robert
Post Number: 1343
Registered: 3-2003
| | Posted on Sunday, November 23, 2003 - 12:52 pm: |
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AP, Brad, Jeff : very nice. Keep them coming.
(Contd from AP's)
Cutbush added, reassuringly :
"Sir Charles, my brains will be at your disposal."
"Oh dear," groaned Warren. "You will keep out of the doss house kitchens, won't you, Cutbush?"
Robert |
AP Wolf
Chief Inspector
Username: Apwolf
Post Number: 568
Registered: 2-2003
| | Posted on Sunday, November 23, 2003 - 1:14 pm: |
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Brad's was a riot, sort of got into every department at once. I must come up with something similar. |
Severn
Unregistered guest
| | Posted on Saturday, November 22, 2003 - 4:43 pm: |
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had a really good laugh over that one A.P. Natalie.[especially the Groucho bit]
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