Archive through 17 January 2003

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Archive through 17 January 2003

Casebook Message Boards: General Discussion: Miscellaneous: Thread to Post Satirical Theories About Jack's Identity: Archive through 17 January 2003

Author: James Jeffrey Paul Friday, 10 January 2003 - 02:16 pm
Bill Clinton was Jack the Ripper. After all, do we REALLY know where he was on the nights of the murders? And he has visited England a lot, hasn't he? Bill's secret diary reveals the following conversation took place between him and Mary Kelly: JACK/BILL: I'm grateful to you, ma'am, for giving me some of your time. I'm lonely. Awful lonely. MARY: Lord, sir, you're so nice. I'm so scared, what with Jack the Ripper being about. JACK/BILL: Ah, it's all part of the vast Masonic-Royalist-Walter Sickert conspiracy. MARY: You're right. JACK/BILL: I'm just so lonely, ma'am. I don't know what to do. My wife, Hillary--she's so cold and controlling--I just want my interns. My interns are so young and hot. But I've got to keep my hands to myself, because my wife is smarter than me, and without her, I'll never be Prime Minister--but IT'S NOT FAIR! I HATE MY WIFE! I HATE ALL WOMEN WHO REMIND ME OF MY WIFE, 'CAUSE THEY JUST KEEP MEN FROM THEIR INTERNS! AND YOU LOOK AN AWFUL LOT LIKE HILLARY! (Takes out knife) MARY: Oh! Murder! JACK/BILL (As he gets to work): I feel your pain, Mary. Come on, let's let our imaginations run wild and have some fun!
Author: judith stock Friday, 10 January 2003 - 07:40 pm
OK, JJ.... you asked for this; as one-half of the legal team currently engaged by Sooty/Soo/Sweep to protect their lives/their fortunes/their sacred honour from the libellous remarks made on these boards of late, I would propose two possible candidates. FIRST, and backed by incontrovertible evidence, I submit the name of Howdy Doody, marionette. SECOND, and far down the list of suspects, there arises the name of Victoria Regina, disguised in lifts and a false moustache. Personally, I opt for the puppet, but I'm sure there are those who will go for the little fat lady in the black dress. I LOVE THIS IDEA!! We definitely need to lighten up a bit. J
Author: Dan Norder Friday, 10 January 2003 - 08:16 pm
Somehow I can't picture Mary Jane Kelly looking at all like Hillary. Dan ---------------------------------------------------------------- Consider supporting this great site by making a donation
Author: stephen stanley Saturday, 11 January 2003 - 07:06 am
I'll go for "Chinese" Gordon...Not really killed by Dervishes in 1885..escapes from captivity,returns,insane to England.Caught by his old comrade Sir Harry Flashman(expert on brothels...),Gordon broke away,and pausing only to sing the first verse of "Onward, Christian Soldiers" threw himself into the Thames....
Author: David Jetson Sunday, 12 January 2003 - 07:06 am
Ah, Flashman would have been pretty old by 1888, wouldn't he? I know he met up with Sherlock Holmes around about then, though, and Flash Harry lived a long time, so he may well have been a spry 64 or so in 1888. Anyway, speaking of Sherlock, has anyone considerd Watson as the Ripper? He was, after all, a medical man. And being berated as foolish by Holmes all the time could have caused his frustration to boil over... Hmmm...
Author: Vila Sunday, 12 January 2003 - 10:09 am
Ouch! Not Watson, please! I am one of those unfortunate people who actually own a copy of a dreadful little book called "The Last Sherlock Holmes Story" wherin Watson finds out that Holmes was the Ripper all along. As a lifelong Holmes & Watson fan I felt that the writer of that book had done me an injury. I would hate to see the other half of that immortal team besmirched as well. If we are allowed Flashman, Holmes & Watson, and other literary characters in this game, then it should be within the rules to bring in another character who was operating in London at the time... I speak of that devilish alter ego of poor Henry Jekell, Edward Hyde! Hyde was known to have taken on a life all of his own, separate even from Henry's, by overpowering poor Henry's bio-morphic field at will. This could explain much that has been hidden in the JTR case. Hyde could kill, and kill again, and always escape by simply transforming back into Jekell-- Something that Hyde was known to do when he wished to escape after the more well known murders that his biographer, R.L. Stevenson, has already laid at his door. Indeed, it has been documented by others that Hyde eventually left England for Australia and from there was tricked into entering an alternate dimension, from which he only escaped back into our own only in the mid-1900s. If Hyde's movements in England can be traced by our dedicated historians, I think that we can at last lay all other theories to rest and finally arrive at the true identity of Jack the Ripper. Respectfully, Vila
Author: Ally Sunday, 12 January 2003 - 07:23 pm
Jack the Ripper was Lord Voldemort.
Author: Brian Schoeneman Sunday, 12 January 2003 - 08:38 pm
SSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! You're not supposed to say that! It's "he who must not be named." You trying to give me a heart attack? B
Author: judith stock Monday, 13 January 2003 - 01:14 am
Brian and Ally...The Ripper was Tom Riddle BEFORE he became "he who must not be named". OR, try this....he IS Snape!!! That works for me. J
Author: Harry Mann Monday, 13 January 2003 - 04:00 am
The murderer was Mary Jane Kelly, assissted by Joe Barnet and George Hutchinson,a friend of both. The motive.Kelly had been assaulted earlier that year by Tabrun,Nicholls,Chapman,Stride,Eddowes and a sixth woman.This attack outside the Frying Pan,had resulted in Kelly losing the baby she and Joe were expecting.She vowed revenge. The three would stalk the victims,and while the latter was held by the men,Mary would cut her throat.The mutilations were made to suggest a madman. The last victim,who resembled Mary,was lured to Millers Court.She was identified as Mary by Joe,and Mary went to Ireland,to await reunion with Joe.Unfortunately she died of Influenza before Joe could join her,and was buried under an assumed name. That is the truth of the Whitechapel Killings. So as not to spoil your pleasure,I leave you this puzzle,the answer to which I have the answer. Who was the sixth victim?.
Author: Walter Timothy Mosley Monday, 13 January 2003 - 05:57 am
Jack must have actually been Bilbo Baggins. He was so short that the police overlooked him, he had a ring that made him invisible for his getaways, he cleverly gave the mutilating weapon to his nephew at the end, and his features so closely resembled those of Sir William Gull that even if he WERE seen, the witness would think that it was Gull walking on his knees in an effort to disguise his height. Case closed, and Patricia Cornwell be damned. WTM
Author: Ally Monday, 13 January 2003 - 07:32 am
Judy, judy, judy... Snape is good now! Don't you believe in reformation!
Author: judith stock Monday, 13 January 2003 - 01:20 pm
Ally, Ally, Ally!! Snape is BETTER? As opposed to a sharp stick in the eye??? Aaaah, blessed youth, so naive... reformation? Nope, actually, I don't believe in it!! Just you wait... And Tim may have a really good theory here... needs a bit of research, but the idea is sound and may pan out. BTW, Tim...well done on your article in Ripper Notes. J
Author: David Radka Monday, 13 January 2003 - 01:37 pm
A?R David
Author: Michael Raney Monday, 13 January 2003 - 02:36 pm
Gang, I am a bit confused. Mr. Radka has eluded to his theory "AR" on just about every thread, without gving us any information regarding it. Are we now to understand that his theory is merely Satire, as we would believe from his posting above? And I so thought he had the "final solution"! Mikey
Author: James Jeffrey Paul Monday, 13 January 2003 - 03:06 pm
Guys and gals! Stop arguing and keep coming up with satirical theories! That's an order!
Author: Neal Shelden Monday, 13 January 2003 - 04:56 pm
Jack the Ripper must have been my father! He used to stay out late at the weekend, and then he disappeared and nobody's seen him since. Ha, Ha...
Author: Brian Schoeneman Monday, 13 January 2003 - 05:23 pm
All, The staff here at Dewey, Cheatem and Howe have been working 23 hour days, trying to decipher the meaning of the term "AR", and if it had any relation to our prime suspect in the Ripper murders, Howdy Doody. Since, according to some authors, we need to prove that Sooty was NOT the Ripper, we've been desperately working to place the blame ... er, find the "real killer". As David Radka, one of our private investigators, has determined, the letters AR are significant. Our staff has figured out the link: the letters AR are extremely similiar to the initials HD. Look at the scary similiarities: 1.) Both AR and HD contain letters of the alphabet. 2.) Both of them contain TWO letters of the alphabet. AND, most telling, 3.) They are both spelled in ALL CAPS. We're still working to discover any more we can about the relationship between AR and HD, but lets just put it this way - when viewed as a whole - they can't just be odd coincidences. Sooty will be vindicated yet! B
Author: judith stock Monday, 13 January 2003 - 05:55 pm
Give 'em hell, Brian!!! And JJ, we'll do our best. J
Author: David Radka Monday, 13 January 2003 - 09:38 pm
A?R Das is hier der frege.
Author: Stuart Tuesday, 14 January 2003 - 04:18 am
Well. I don't know about satirical, but Rob Halford, the vocalist for the British Heavy Metal band Judas Priest, wrote a song called "The Ripper" which is on Priest's Sad Wings of Destiny album, from about 1975 or so. The lyrics are VERY self-confessing. The live version of the song even has Rob screaming at the start of the song "Who am I !!?" Rob is at least 150 years old...I think.
Author: Jim DiPalma Tuesday, 14 January 2003 - 06:30 pm
Hi All, James Jeffrey Paul writes: "Guys and gals! Stop arguing and keep coming up with satirical theories! That's an order!" Right, don't say you didn't ask for it. In my latest book, "The Agony of Howdy Doody", I provide irrefutable evidence that the whole Ripper affair started with a secret marriage between Howdy and Clarabelle the Clown. The two first met at an art studio in Cleveland Street, where Clarabelle was posing nude for the great-great-grandfather of John Gacy, and Howdy, a struggling young ventriloquist's dummy trying to earn a few dollars on the side, was working as an easel. A group of highly placed network censors realized that the public would never accept a union between a TV clown and an inert piece of wood. Indeed, the Network itself was in great danger of being overthrown, so a secret conspiracy was launched. Howdy and Chief Thunder Thud carried out the actual killings. American readers will doubtless remember the Chief as the first man ever to scream "Cowabunga", predating Bart Simpson's use of the term by at least 3 decades. Chief Thunder Thud was also arrested on at least one occasion for using the alias "Tumblety". This fiendishly clever duo rightly reasoned that because the police were looking for a local man fleeing on foot, an American Indian in full wardress driving a covered wagon through the streets of Whitechapel would surely escape police notice. As to the evidence I offer in support of this theory, I have in my possession underwear reputed to have been worn by Howdy himself. The underwear is embroidered with the initials of the five canonical victims, along with the words "I am Jack." Further, if one carefully examines the first lyric of Howdy's theme song: "It's Howdy Doody time..." One can easily see that this is an anagram for "I'm the sod wot did yy". Clearly, every time Howdy sang the theme song, he was admitting to his involvement in the crimes. As to the "yy", this is doubtless a secret Freemason cipher, which I have as yet been unable to decipher. As further proof, I point to an internal memo written by Buffalo Bob to the producers of the show, dated 30 September 1957. In part, it reads "something must be done about Howdy's eyes. He is frightening the children in the studio audience, his eyes are so evil." This memo was written on paper, as were nearly all of the Jack the Ripper letters, clearly linking the cast of Howdy Doody to the murders. Finally, as to motive, it is a little known fact that while still a sapling, Howdy underwent a painful operation to repair a termite hole in his knot. This operation left him unable to produce acorns, and doubtless left him with a seething rage against pollen. Critics of my theory have pointed to the fact that the undergarment in question is that of a lady, and thus it is doubtful that Howdy ever wore it. They also point to the fact that the first lyric of Howdy's theme song is also an anagram for "Yids did them wot". They claim this is not self-confessional, but rather reinforces the theory of a sochet, or ritual Jewish slaughterman, as the killer. I rebut the above claims by pointing out that I still work full-time, was once offered $40,000 for the underwear, yet did not sell it. That proves it is genuine. As to the anagram offered by my critics, I point out that the persistent use of the stage Cockney "wot" proves that my anagram is the correct one. Thus, no one has yet to disprove my theory. However, in light of recent evidence uncovered by the firm of Dewey, Cheatem, and Howe, I must modify my theory somewhat before going to press. Given the obvious phonetic similarity of their names (Sooty/Howdy Doody), and the fact that the two were never seen together, I must now agree that they were in fact one and the same! The ability to change appearance, one minute a small, yellow hand puppet, the next a wooden marionette, neatly explains why the witness descriptions were often so contradictory, and why JTR was never caught. The solution is so obvious, yet no one but me was clever enough to work it out. A.R.
Author: judith stock Tuesday, 14 January 2003 - 08:26 pm
WELL DONE, JIM.....HOWEVER, we at Dewey, Cheatem and Howe still contend it was Doody WEARING a Sooty suit. We stand by that. You have provided the basis for the final solution (YIKES!! ANOTHER one???), AND the foundation for an even bigger lawsuit regarding the integrity of Sooty. All you guys had better stand back....Di Palma is on the case, and you have NO CHANCE! I do have one question regarding the statement about the "union between a TV clown and an inert piece of wood". That question is about the word "inert"...are you using this word as opposed to "ert"? CHEERS on a job well done, Jim. Working together, anything can be accomplished. J
Author: Billy Markland Wednesday, 15 January 2003 - 01:21 pm
Judith, I fear you have been taken in by Sooty in disguise, Jim DiPalma....DiPalma is obviously a pseudonym for Sooty. Thought you might want to know, Billy
Author: Philip Rayner Wednesday, 15 January 2003 - 02:44 pm
Interestingly 'Ert' in Outer Mongolian erdu clans (Who believe deeply in mowing the lawn on Sunday and regular visits to Ikea (Involving a round trip of some 3000 miles in the family yak cart.)) means "She who writes spurious theories about the perpetrator a series of murders in London in 1888 with little or no evidence, makes a fortune and begins to believe her own hype." The erdu language is very economical with words. Judith for instance means 'Sooty did it the evil little glove puppet.' Phil
Author: judith stock Wednesday, 15 January 2003 - 03:18 pm
NAH, Phil...."Judith" means "she who is full of s*** and LOVES spreading it around"!!! But are you sure we are speaking of the SAME "ert"? MY "ert" is the opposite of "inert"....you know: an inert gas, as opposed to an ert one.... And Billy, I bet you believe in the Diary, too.. the insidious nature of the conspiracy has woven its' tentacles around these boards and will eventually choke them off. The perpetrators are pervasive and wily.....you'd better watch out, Billy....they're coming to get youuuuuuuuu. J
Author: Philip Rayner Wednesday, 15 January 2003 - 03:34 pm
I was aware of inert in the context you used it dear Judith. My post was a mere comic confection, an attempt to alleviate the aches and pains of the day, a chuckly frothy capuccino in the grey of modern society. They came to get me ages ago!!!!!
Author: judith stock Wednesday, 15 January 2003 - 05:38 pm
I know you knew Phil...just wanted to clarify that the Erdu rarely discuss ert gasses, but if they mow their lawns on Sunday and discuss ert, then I guess they're pretty civilised! I, myself, am NOT civilised, as I think a lawn should be green concrete, and that EVERYONE should be a bit ert! Hang in there, babe....the sillies may win yet! There is just waaaaaaay too much serious these days. J
Author: Jim DiPalma Wednesday, 15 January 2003 - 06:55 pm
Hi All, Judy, I was using the Webster's definition of "inert", i.e., lacking the power to move. Howdy is a marionette, after all. I was unaware of the word "ert". I suppose that makes me inept, after years of believing I was ept. Cheers, Jim
Author: judith stock Wednesday, 15 January 2003 - 06:58 pm
SEE? We ARE on the same page!!! And all along I thought you were ertly ept......go figure! J
Author: Philip Rayner Thursday, 16 January 2003 - 03:36 am
Judith No worries, after all the negative vibes this thread is a breath of fresh air. Silliness is a state of mind which all should strive to attain. I have been consulting my erdu dictionary again and ept means 'He who maligns liverpool cotton merchants (Lit. forger of diaries.)' The erdu are an intresting people who, due to a genetic defect, have a constant cold. Thus they are famous for having invented the paper tissue before the wheel.
Author: judith stock Thursday, 16 January 2003 - 10:15 am
OK, if "ept" and "ert" are defined in Erdu, PLEASE tell me how "cipient", "fer" and "ject" are defined....I must know. Is it possible that Doody was an ert ept, who jected his cipient fer? ENOUGH!!! I have gone 'round the bend, and will retire quietly to my rubber-padded cell for a good rest.... J
Author: Philip Rayner Thursday, 16 January 2003 - 11:39 am
Have you got an erdu dictionary? You must have to know all these Erdu words. Cipient. Person with boggly eyes, a long tongue and carrotty mustache. Derived from cipi (A small frog.) Fer. 'He who, when travelling by cart calls everybody Jects.' Other utterances in these circumstances are 'Urkt' (Lit, one who indulges in solitary vices.) urudu. (One who hogs ones lane on the mud track (Or in the rainy season, river.)). Another phrase often heard is ircht bin moo di. (Where d'you get your licence, from a christmas cracker?') Ject. A very naughty word questioning the parentage, sexual orientation, beauty of facial features and size of the genitalia of the one so adressed. Told you they were economical with words. Iridarumestengummachineyoulookingatmepalnirumba. Lit 'Bye' Phil
Author: judith stock Thursday, 16 January 2003 - 10:55 pm
Thanks for the enlightenment, Phil....oh, you of few words. Exactly what I needed this snowy Thursday night! utalkintame? orgoaheadmakemyday. J
Author: Philip Rayner Friday, 17 January 2003 - 04:41 am
Judith, slightly worried about your parting erdu word. It translates as.... Of my three freinds seven are schizophrenic Strange way to say goodbye. BTW the Erdu word georgebush means a small plant of no value whatsoever, identical to the English meaning. Phil
Author: judith stock Friday, 17 January 2003 - 01:19 pm
You SHOULD be worried, Phil, you SHOULD be worried! My annual case of the January Simples is getting worse as we speak...so, by all means, WORRY! Thanks for your concern, but I see the little men with the custom-fitted canvas blazer pulling into the drive....must run. jestfogeddaboudit! J
Author: Jim DiPalma Friday, 17 January 2003 - 08:59 pm
Hi All, Phil, which version of the Erdu dictionary are you using? The entry for georgebush in my version reads: "stiff, wooden, incapable of original thought or word, and controlled by unseen masters pulling his strings. Ref Howdy Doody." Judy, the condition is apparently contagious. It must be the weather. Cheers Jim
Author: judith stock Friday, 17 January 2003 - 09:23 pm
ABSOLUTELY, JIM! We have COLD, wind, snow, more wind and more snow!!! So I gets a bit nuts.... Please don't tell me there are Merriam-Webster Erdu AND Oxford Erdu Dictionaries!!! I can't bear it! I thought you, Phil, and I had the only certified Erdu dictionaries.....NOW I find there are multiple volumes to which we must refer, 'cause MY Erdu dictionary says the definitions of georgebush are "(1) reincarnation of ventriloquist's dummy Mortimer Snerd (2) clone of Heel Stone found at Stonehenge (3) gelatinous mass, closely resembling an amoeba, with IQ of negative numbers." WHICH IS CORRECT?? HELP!!! lostinspacewithoutapaddle J
Author: Rosemary O'Ryan Friday, 17 January 2003 - 09:57 pm
THE DOVES WILL BE FREED IN MECCA... Rosey :-)
Author: James Jeffrey Paul Friday, 17 January 2003 - 11:58 pm
Hillary Clinton was Jill the Ripper! She hated prostitutes because she blamed women like them for her husband's philandering. She disguised herself as a man and committed the crimes, then immediately shed her disguise and escaped as herself, knowing that no one would suspect her!