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Robert Charles Linford
Inspector Username: Robert
Post Number: 198 Registered: 3-2003
| Posted on Thursday, May 29, 2003 - 5:58 pm: |
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AP, I read that once and then had to go away and have a smoke before reading it again, it was so overpowering! I've read it several more times, and I'm still unpacking it (and will be for a while to come). Superb, mind-bending stuff. Phew! If that was a Spanish brandy job, maybe I should be putting more than a digestive in my tea. Wonderful! Robert |
Robert Charles Linford
Inspector Username: Robert
Post Number: 202 Registered: 3-2003
| Posted on Friday, May 30, 2003 - 8:13 am: |
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Hi AP I’ve never deliberately watched this programme but it’s like the sun - I’m aware of it even if I don’t look at it. HOUSE OF HORROR The story that you are about to hear, I hope won’t make you grouse. It’s the story of something remarkably queer : The Big Brother Suspects House. The first morning, we noticed Mad Midwife Jill Was lying in bed looking slightly ill. Doc Tumblety took a quick peek, and scowled : Mad Midwife Jill had been disembowelled! This wasn’t propitious – Downright suspicious! The house was a-hum – But more was to come. Cricketer Montague Druitt was found Head-first in the toilet, drowned. "Suicide whilst of mind unsound". But why were his wrists and ankles bound? The Jewish slaughterman died of a fever Brought on by being split with his cleaver. A freemason rolled up his trouser, and he Went west from a fatal stab in the knee. Joe Barnett was drinking all the time, And not ginger beer – he swigged all the wine. He drank the lot, right down to the sediment (Hence, of course, his speech impediment). "Staid" Barnett was really a lively old spark – He kept gutting fish, but just for a lark. One night we all came down in the dark To find he’d been eaten by a huge shark. To make the scene more sad and pathetic, Tumblety gave the shark an emetic. A shark in a house is quite the worst place – And who put the creature there in the first place? Sir William Withey Gull lost his life. He died of a stroke – from a butcher’s knife. Maybrick the diarist, crass ‘n’ sick raver, Expired from crisps (arsenic flavour). Lewis Carroll perished in similar style : Laced Cheshire cheese wiped the face off his smile. And what of the Lodger? Dead old codger. Sickert, that painter Impressionistic, Was crushed to a pulp and became a statistic. Cutbush stuffed bloodstained clothes up the chimney With youthful flair and aplomb. One day we looked, and turned away grimly : Up there was stuffed young Tom. Doc T said he’d like to go back to the States, Which he did, inside three separate crates. Kosminski the Jew abandoned his pillow To hang himself from a nearby willow, Complaining of voices in his head – Who put the radio under his bed? So one by one the suspects died, And piled up in a stack, Until there was only one left inside, And that one was me, and I’m Jack. Robert
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AP Wolf
Inspector Username: Apwolf
Post Number: 266 Registered: 2-2003
| Posted on Friday, May 30, 2003 - 4:20 pm: |
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Excellent, Robert. I laughed till I near cried. Yes, mine came out of the tail end of a fine bottle of Spanish Brandy, but whatever you are taking for inspiration is working just as well. If it is tea please tell me which brand of tea bag you are using, could save me a fortune. I'm working on the Thomas poesie but I'm pushed for time at the moment, thank you for your positive comments about the last effort. |
Robert Charles Linford
Inspector Username: Robert
Post Number: 203 Registered: 3-2003
| Posted on Saturday, May 31, 2003 - 12:40 pm: |
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Hi AP Thanks for comments. This one is just a bit of fun, but I'm working on something much darker (I'm trying to do a thought experiment on this mother-son business). JACK THE RIPPER'S GRAVESTONE Stranger, as you pass my grave, Pause and contemplate How we are each a tiny wave Upon a sea of Fate. We are but brothers really, I within and you without, So bring me flowers yearly, Or I'll rip your innerds out. Robert |
AP Wolf
Inspector Username: Apwolf
Post Number: 267 Registered: 2-2003
| Posted on Sunday, June 01, 2003 - 3:00 pm: |
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Dr. Brook. Dear Doctor Catholic Brook I writ bout nasty medicine I took. For that nastie evil pill Has made me quite ill. You told me it would stop the itch To kill off some old bitch. But instead me parts are on fire With some strange desire To do it some more And kill ‘nother whore. Now I be a clerk by profession And me uncle says to teach you a lesson With shot to the head And send you to bed. Your medicines is quite bad magic And me privates do look most tragic. And itch me most profuse and profound And all I hear is that itching sound Of ‘nother whore dispatched When I must itch that scratch. Please send me a proper cure Afore I kill ‘nother whore. Me uncle Charles says you all be scum And protestants will, will be done Even said I could use his gun. He told me it would suit best To shoot you right in chest. He said to shoot a Catholic is right and nice And just to make sure you must shoot him twice. He told me that all his superiors Were really rather inferior And did need shooting the most For they swallowed the holy ghost. And did take biscuit and wine And all things dandy and fine. Now dear doctor Catholic Brook I implore you to once again to look At me highly complicated case Or else I will shoot you in the face. And if nothing be what you find Then I will shoot you in behind. Now I must be on me way No time for silly delay. For I have ‘nother whore to kill After swallowing your bitter pill. Signed Tom-Tom
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Robert Charles Linford
Inspector Username: Robert
Post Number: 206 Registered: 3-2003
| Posted on Sunday, June 01, 2003 - 4:11 pm: |
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Loved it, AP! Very funny indeed! Poor old Dr Brook! Dear Tom-Tom, Your letter hit me like a bomb! Who are these "whores" you kill? No wonder you feel ill. Nurse Stride I sent to give you A taste of healing cachou. Nurse Chapman's paper had pills To soothe away your ills. Nurse Eddowes came from me To offer you calming tea. Nurse Nichols staggered about To promote good, nourishing stout. Nurse Kelly complied with my wish To cook you potatoes and fish. How can you blame my medicine, When you won't follow my regimen? You are too sudden by half : I'm losing all my staff. And now I can't be long with you, For there's nothing really wrong with you. But if you promise to leave your gun In the brolly stand, I'll peep at your tongue. Tomorrow then at three. Yours truly Dr B. Robert
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AP Wolf
Inspector Username: Apwolf
Post Number: 268 Registered: 2-2003
| Posted on Sunday, June 01, 2003 - 5:11 pm: |
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Robert you are getting too good for me. A superb response. I envied the way you slammed the victims in there as the nurses for Tom-Tom's ills. Counter point stuff. Excellent. I'm very busy at the moment but will fire up a suitable response when able. Enjoying this.
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Robert Charles Linford
Inspector Username: Robert
Post Number: 207 Registered: 3-2003
| Posted on Monday, June 02, 2003 - 4:23 am: |
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No need for hurry, AP. I'll hack away at my dark uterus poem. Robert |
AP Wolf
Inspector Username: Apwolf
Post Number: 269 Registered: 2-2003
| Posted on Monday, June 02, 2003 - 4:33 pm: |
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A Reply For Why. Dear Doctor Catholic Bastard Brook It is your goose I will soon cook. Upon your head I place a thousand curses For it were not me who murdered your nurses. I merely ripped ‘em up a bit A simple bit of tat for tit. So unless I start feeling better I will be sending you nice letter. But here suitable word of caution For you might not care for portion That I include inside. Little memento from one who died. By accident you must understand Just a minor slip of me hand. Me uncle Charles is drunken old sot Who says you lot should be shot. He says to shoot the lot of you would be nice A parliamentary infestation of Catholic mice. He says you scum spread poison in our land And must be dealt with by most firm hand. He says no gunpowder plot for you But just a few stabbings will do. So he put this white noise inside me head Which I hear even when in me old bed. And that why I need your pills to counteract This bloody inescapable fact. Afore ‘nother nurse bites the dust To feed this need that I urgently must. Make sure the pills do not give me the clap And thus make me poor manhood sap. Make sure the pills are nice and round To help drown out that awful sound. Make sure they are good for the pain Of when I meet my uncle again. Now hope you don’t mind me writing in red ink Because you stupid if that’s what you think For I took it from your nurses’ vein So send medicine or I’ll do it again. From Hell I hope you well.
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Robert Charles Linford
Inspector Username: Robert
Post Number: 209 Registered: 3-2003
| Posted on Monday, June 02, 2003 - 5:02 pm: |
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Bravo, AP, bravo! I really enjoyed that - though I'm not sure that Dr Brook did! The good doctor cannot reply tonight, having spent the entire day purchasing bullet-proof vests and trousers. However he will try to parry your thrust tomorrow. Robert |
Robert Charles Linford
Inspector Username: Robert
Post Number: 214 Registered: 3-2003
| Posted on Tuesday, June 03, 2003 - 11:39 am: |
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Hi AP TO MR T CUTBUSH Don’t send organ next letter. Nurse Eddowes is dead – let’s forget her. This organ-sending’s unsound : There won’t be enough to go round. I am no Catholic bastard – I knew my father, at least. I admit he sometimes got plastered, But he was good Catholic priest - Secretly married to Mother (And I think to at least one other). Though Catholic, I am not stern and stiff, Hankering after November the Fifth, So can’t we forget that gunpowder tiff? (Although, to be parenthetical I find your Mass murder heretical). While I may revere the Host, It’s the wine I like the most. Your uncle talks crap – Silly old chap! "Popish plot." Certainly not! – Unless he means Place Pope grows his greens. Your bodily health is sound. That’ll be five pound. Your mind as sharp as a pin is. That’ll be five guineas. In short, you’re in health rude. And so, I can’t be sued. Don’t let the thought of death get you down, Don’t be such a dunce. It isn’t the dying that makes us frown, It’s the fact we can do it but once. And I swear on Nurse Kelly’s kettle That you are in fine fettle. There’s simple explanation For every perturbation – Forget Catholic transubstantiation, Instead think constipation. And though your ripping be odd quirk Requiring a bit of remedial work, You are not one of those paranoids - All you have is haemorrhoids. Consider, and you will find Mental illness is all in the mind. That dreadful white noise you complain of : Could it be Wagner? Mere strain of Him gives me fits, He gets on my tits, Could you cut him to bits? You are something of a romancer : Last week you had terminal cancer. And before the week was out, Your organs were moving about. Your brain was where your stomach should be, Your stomach was in your head. So rather than just sit down to your tea You stood upside-down instead. You’d have had reason to grieve If you’d actually ceased to breathe. And further good news is this : You don’t have syphilis. Your private parts may droop, But that’s what you get, with croup. So you can breathe a lot freer (Though you may have gonorrhoea). The poisonous wrath of your uncle Boils down to a painful carbuncle. Your uncle will lead you astray - Like as not, on a brewer’s dray. Meanwhile, as I say, You’re OK. You do not have cirrhosis, Just a hint of halitosis (My nose’s diagnosis!). All your woes are trivial, So try to be more convivial. Leave off swinging the leg, sir! Desist at once, I beg sir! Malingering is time lost, As I know to my cost. (Once, I claimed I was nearly dead, I said I could die any minute. I had the nuns around my bed, But I could not get them in it. Tea and sympathy? All I got was the tea!). The pills I prescribed, the bald facts to give, Were actually powerful laxative. But your days would have been less hectic, If you’d told me you were dyslexic. Instead of one pill for each ten days passed, You took ten pills for each one – too fast! And you threaten me with a gun! No wonder you’re on the run. Enough of your curses! What of my nurses? They’ve all got into a terrible state, They’re counting their organs from dawn until late. Keep killing them like flies, And they’re going to ask for a rise! I’m not overjoyed, In fact I’m annoyed. But there may be two worms in your bud : All of this may be in your blood, Your mother is strange and a bit of a dud. So I’ll see you, again at three. Yours truly, Dr B. PS Don’t bring gun, you no crack shot, Probably destroy plant pot, Or if your aim is really missed, Blow holes in receptionist. I am far from Pope plot hatching, Hypochondria could be catching. Got to go, these brief lines dropped – Worried sick my heart has stopped! Robert
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AP Wolf
Inspector Username: Apwolf
Post Number: 270 Registered: 2-2003
| Posted on Tuesday, June 03, 2003 - 4:29 pm: |
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Robert you sir are an absolute fiend, to beat me at me own game! Remarkable and well thought out verse. I am in deep admiration. Prepare for a salvo. |
AP Wolf
Inspector Username: Apwolf
Post Number: 271 Registered: 2-2003
| Posted on Tuesday, June 03, 2003 - 4:37 pm: |
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Dearest Doctor Bloody Brook If you think letter has got you off hook Then there is something you overlook, For I detect amongst your verses That it was you that did kill nurses. For you have a vast array of instrument These heinous crimes to implement. Your intention and contention Is that your medicine is prevention For the ills that do surround This wall of white sound. But even though uncle Charles likes a sup It was you who turned volume up. So I can assure you sir, send pill Or it is you I will kill. I think you sir to be most rude and unkind To say that mental illness is in me mind For I think it is in me feet And blood I left on street. Just because me stomach is in me head Don’t mean me mouth can’t be fed. And no need for you to make heedless farce Just because me heart has moved to me arse. Me bodily organs do move around In tune with that white sound And the only way I can keep them still Is me body with blood to fill. For it helps the flow And makes them organs slow. I did take all ten pills at same time And affect was quite sublime. For I mistook me uncle for a whore And stabbed him up a bit sore. Then I slit the serving girl’s throat And me auntie tried to choke. So them pills ain’t half bad Even when they make me mad. I’d be grateful if you could send me more As I feel the urge to kill ’nother whore. With all your accumulated wealth Have you never heard of National Health? Just as you like to empty our purses So I shall continue to kill your nurses. Now I must write to Secretary of Treasury With news of me new street directory. Street by street, it is quite neat. Even the alleyways are marked down, Including special sites that can be found. Upon close inspection you may well find That certain places I have outlined, May prove of special regard To our friends at Scotland Yard. Now, doctor babbling brook Let’s see you get off that hook. Signed Tom Tom |
Robert Charles Linford
Inspector Username: Robert
Post Number: 215 Registered: 3-2003
| Posted on Tuesday, June 03, 2003 - 5:34 pm: |
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Wonderful stuff, AP! I can only try a defensive parry. TO TOM TOM Tom Tom, I do not kill (Except my patients, when they are ill), Nor take your problems lightly - I receive your death threats nightly! The pills which to you I gave Apparently make you rave. Don't take them before you shave. But I appreciate your position, And I'll accede to your petition If you'll agree to one condition : I'll give you the pills you crave, If you send all my rivals to early grave. Make your list of sites Include doctors who work nights. Then chart the roads and ways Of the doctors who work days. Become exceedingly wroth And quickly bump them off. I'll give you stuff to help with the gore, Scalpels, knives and the odd hacksaw, Just come to me if you want more. Then you'll be King of Perdition, And I'll be the Royal Physician. Then Dr SIR Bloody Brook Will truly be off the hook. Robert |
Robert Charles Linford
Inspector Username: Robert
Post Number: 218 Registered: 3-2003
| Posted on Wednesday, June 04, 2003 - 7:23 am: |
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I feel I should append A note to the following end : The level of my fees I do not think excessive. I could put on a freeze, But with money, I am possessive. In fact I'm quite obsessive. The NHS, I'll bet Has not been invented yet, And won't be, for another lifetime - I doubt if you'll see it in your knifetime. My thoughts on my fees are still rumbling, And hence this appendix grumbling Which I know you'll ache to extract, So I'll say no more, out of tact. Now could you be a pal, Kill Phillips, Brown et al, And beforehand tell me how? You see, I sort of thought I could be nearby, and ought To put in a brilliant report. Then I'd come to public attention, And in papers get a mention. There's a pill in it for you, If you do what I ask you to. You won't be brought to book, And I'll be Baron Brook. Signed Baron/Earl/Duke/Prince Brook (delete as applicable) But don't delete me - that's just despicable. Robert |
AP Wolf
Inspector Username: Apwolf
Post Number: 272 Registered: 2-2003
| Posted on Wednesday, June 04, 2003 - 1:18 pm: |
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Ah Robert you are not to be stopped or beaten, so I surrender and crown you as Duke Brook of Mitre Square. An excellent job you have done as the good Doctor Brook of Westminster Bridge. I think I will sink myself in deeper pit in melancholic fit. The true Tom Tom will be revealed I fear. |
AP Wolf
Inspector Username: Apwolf
Post Number: 273 Registered: 2-2003
| Posted on Wednesday, June 04, 2003 - 1:50 pm: |
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Imperfect Reflection The face in the mirror is quite alone The face in the mirror is not his own. There is a deep blackness In the eyes That pull him down Deep inside. To a place found in lost and found To a place devoid of sound. A private place Reflected in the face. Where only he can go And only he will know What must be Kingdom done By Kingdom come In the perfection Of imperfect reflection. There, right there, where the shards Do litter the ground A hundred thousand broken mirrors Can be found. Where aeons of images Have tumbled down And all did tumble Without a sound. In this place of bloody feet Bloody feet, bloody feet And bloody bloody street. There doth strange being adorn - Cast down in human form - The idle stairways of mansion mind Struck down deaf, dumb and blind. Amid this broken glass strewn around No vile purpose can be found. For can of worms is the bait In vacuum stuffed full of hate. Eyeless maggots that writhe And squirm. Out that bud You blasted worm. Out that bud And out that flower, And then out You seed of power. And out that new shoot And out that new root, And then comes that bud… Such a greedy grub. Turn You worm! What must be Kingdom done Will by Kingdom come In the perfection Of imperfect reflection.
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Robert Charles Linford
Inspector Username: Robert
Post Number: 219 Registered: 3-2003
| Posted on Wednesday, June 04, 2003 - 2:46 pm: |
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Hi AP I think "Imperfect Reflection" is a fantastic poem! Eerie, calm, powerful, passionate... I only wish I could turn out one like this. Thank you for the extremely stimulating Tom-Brook exchange. I had tremendous fun reading Tom Tom's letters. I think it should be a draw, with you having the title "Duke Cutbush of Kearley and Tom". And now, I suppose, I must return to my dark uterus poem, which has been in the refrigerator for the past few days. Robert |
AP Wolf
Inspector Username: Apwolf
Post Number: 274 Registered: 2-2003
| Posted on Wednesday, June 04, 2003 - 5:19 pm: |
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Robert you better get that uterus out of the fridge soon or you will have public health on your case. I too enjoyed the Brook-Tom exchange and we must try a Lord or two soon. I thank you for me new title. You have already turned out better than imperfect reflection but part two might be hard to follow as I have just received - by post - a full case of fine Spanish brandy. This is where the internet will never match the technology of the old postal system, for it will never deliver Spanish brandy to me door. I wish you a good night. |
AP Wolf
Inspector Username: Apwolf
Post Number: 275 Registered: 2-2003
| Posted on Thursday, June 05, 2003 - 5:03 pm: |
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Imperfect Reflection Too Sometimes he could not hide From the black that became too wide In his eye. It would swallow the blue And swallow you too. That sputtering speech That could never reach The words he longed to speak, Words forever out of reach. So he took to bloody blade Forged in heaven and made From spit and spunk In hell holed and sunk. And did take that blade And incise decision made To plug that hole in universe And hold down humanity with curse. To rant and rave, to stab and crave That heart of desire, that heart of fire And extinguish it in his solitary hand And rid this plague throughout the land. To stab it right through the quick And feel the blood and feel the spit. Smelted blood on smelted steel An entire universe to unpeel Layer upon layer upon layer Work your work you useless slayer. For the mirror talks of the smell of rust And the mirror is hidden by dust Where concealed beneath the wrath A gentle sweep with gentle cloth Does clear the image quite well And there in heaven is quiet hell. For mirror does not reveal In fact it doth conceal The blood, spunk and reflected sin Of the face without and the face within. Whose face is the ultimate sinner? The face within or face in mirror? All the victims are contorted All the images be distorted. Each image is unique insight Of moth caught fatally in light. Fluttering and stuttering, But drawn to the dawn Of a blood red sky Where many would die. In the perfection Of the reflection.
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Robert Charles Linford
Inspector Username: Robert
Post Number: 228 Registered: 3-2003
| Posted on Thursday, June 05, 2003 - 6:12 pm: |
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Hi AP In my humble opinion, that is one of the best poems I've read, not just on these Boards, but anywhere. It was quite something to read it. Could I be wrong, or was there a slight brandy input? For heaven's sake don't sign the pledge. You were right about my dark uterus poem. I do feel it may have gone off a bit, and I've therefore redesigned it and given it a new lease of death. I'll post it as soon as I can, but meanwhile thanks again for a super poem. Robert
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Robert Charles Linford
Inspector Username: Robert
Post Number: 233 Registered: 3-2003
| Posted on Friday, June 06, 2003 - 2:17 pm: |
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Hi AP DEATH BY POISON Sh*t out and shut out on bed of blood, Cord round neck, and choking. Nose and ears stuffed full of crud, Trying to cry, only croaking. Kicking at air and blankets gory - This was his first bedtime story. Age of five, all alone in the wood, Distant wolves a-howling. Cottage at centre grimacing stood, Dogs around it growling. Someone was waiting with pillow to smother - Looked through the window and saw his mother. A sunless childhood he dreamless slept, Guilt's sly tendrils snaking As round his neck and feet they crept, While the witch continued her baking. Fairies fled, guarding their dust, Away from the lullaby of disgust. But oh! when this Rip Van Winkle awoke, The lightning flash was blinding. And then he could only blink through the smoke At the long road backwards winding, Back to the Pit and the cup of spit - So Rip Van Winkle began to let rip. He cut the cords and stored his hoards, Whistling the witch's refrain. He killed the monsters with her swords, But gazed not in her eyes again - Just left them open in glory, At his final bedtime story. Robert
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AP Wolf
Inspector Username: Apwolf
Post Number: 276 Registered: 2-2003
| Posted on Friday, June 06, 2003 - 3:45 pm: |
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Robert 'Death by Poison' was a moving piece, moving emotionally and moving spatially. Very good and profound. I am enjoying this exchange which seems to centre around a sweet and innocent Tom Tom character who has been perverted by what we call life, and has then struck out in anger at the basis of his upbringing. My gut feeling is that this is very likely a valid interpretation. I think it radical that you employed fairie tale, and it worked radically rather well. Thank you for your very postive comments about me own contribution, quite honestly I don't even remember writing it and I certainly don't remember posting it. You sherlock, of course it was the Spanish brandy. Yours was an excellent poem. |
Robert Charles Linford
Inspector Username: Robert
Post Number: 235 Registered: 3-2003
| Posted on Friday, June 06, 2003 - 4:44 pm: |
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AP, thank you very much for what you said about my poem. I'm gobsmacked that you don't remember writing or posting yours, but the main thing is that you wrote it down. Don't do a Coleridge and forget most of it afterwards! I hope there's still plenty of brandy left, as I'm eager to hear more. Needless to say, I have a humorous one brewing in my head, but before that I'd like to do another serious one. I'm OK for tea and cigarettes, so I hope to have something in a day or two. Robert |
AP Wolf
Inspector Username: Apwolf
Post Number: 277 Registered: 2-2003
| Posted on Monday, June 09, 2003 - 4:28 pm: |
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Imperfect Reflection Free He stands perfectly still Perfectly reflected for the kill. He stands in his own perfect will Of his own deep black heart to fill With the essence of another kind And in that heart doth he blindly bind All the free blood that he can blindly find. He hacks and saws At some spare whores… He grinds and blades At mistakes he made In universal fabric of time In mistake of rhyming rhyme. He picks up glittering jewels from fire That were but coal. Then he sticks bloody finger through Some strange wormhole. And then stabs it to reflect Some image quite perfect But inherent in its defect. For the stabbing in its deficiency Allows him some small efficiency. Some small part… For jamming the tart. For spreading some butter on bread And whole population in great dread. All in great shiver of small boy in mirror. Beaten and bruised Kicked and abused. The image held sound And in that image found Some great purpose to best A lifetime to invest… For the shimmer in the flame Where he could burn the blame. To consume and burn that desire To quench them flame and fire. And bathe in red raw flesh To invest, invest and invest. Scratch that card and scratch it hard, Itch that itch and kill that bitch Scab that sore and scab that whore. And in that universe he did score Good points for every whore he tore To shard and shred. And on those old bones was fed With fresh flanged flesh to boil And grease ridden lamp oil That blackened the stump And plagued at the lump That boiled beneath his skin And set the monster within. But were a passing reflection Of his own massive imperfection.
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