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Jack the Ripper
Unregistered guest
| | Posted on Sunday, March 13, 2005 - 10:10 am: | 
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That's right boys and girls, ladies and gentleman, I am the initiator of the autumn of terror.
Actually the whole thing was just a huge coincidental mistake.
You see it started with Martha Tabram. I found her lying in a building at George Yard after being visited by a soldier friend and she told me intended to spend the night there. "Nonsense," I said and I pulled out my pen to write an address down of a lodging house that I knew could accommodate her at that time, but unfortunately I had recently packed butter into a sack and I quite literally had butterfingers, so my pen slipped from my hand and into Martha Tabram. "Ow," she cried.
"Oh so sorry my dear," I said and I picked up my pen.
"That's alright," she said. "But maybe I should go to the hospital just in case,"
"Of course I'll just write down its address,"
"Ow," she said after I dropped it again.
"Oh my dear, I am sorry,"
"No, no it was an accident,"
I dropped that damned pen thirty-nine times by the end of it, and when I had finally written down the address the poor girl was dead, so I left.
The night Polly Nichols died, I had just returned from slicing some ham and had tucked my knife under my sleeve. I met Polly who asked me for my thoughts on a necklace she was wearing as I held the piece of jewellery I slipped and the knife when right into her neck and she fell to the ground.
I tried to help her by giving her CPR (which I had invented that afternoon as it happens) but forgetting again about the knife under my sleeve I punctured her a few times, and some bits came out.
Realising I wasn't quite cut out (no pun intended) for this kind of work I scarpered.
Annie Chapman however was a different kettle of fish. As I'm a doctor, as a few of you have guessed, Annie came to me one night complaining of a troubled stomach. I decided operating was the best bet. As I didn't have an operating room I decided the yard behind a house was a good a place as any. I gave her a hacksaw so she could bite on the wooden bit as I operated. The operation was a complete success, but as she sighed with her head hung back, the hacksaw dropped her mouth and it sliced right into her neck. As I raised my hand to help her, my cuff caught on her intestine and dragged it across her body. I realised my antics had put me in a precarious position once again, so I buggered off.
Elizabeth Stride was an interesting case, as I walked home after a hard night's drinking I saw the woman being man handled by two ruffians. So as quick as a flash I defended her to the high hilt and sent the two fellows packing. She gave me her warm regards and as we retreated into the darkness of Dutfield's Yard, she walked into a piece of corrugated iron and slit her neck right open. She died and I ran off.
My intention was to go straight to the police station at Bishopsgate and tell them what had happened, but as I got there I saw this poor cold girl walking home. I was a gentleman and so I couldn't leave this poor girl walking home by herself, what if the dreaded Jack the Ripper found her? And so I escorted Catharine Eddowes to her destination. However as it happens we didn't quite get there.
We were walking through Mitre Square when suddenly she tripped and fell on to sixty seven glass bottles and had cut up her abdomen, neck and face. I managed to brush all the evidence of the glass away, but unfortunately this didn't save the unfortunate.
I pelted away once again, but when I got to Ghoulston Street I realised what I had done would be a real conundrum to police, but far from confessing I decided to write a message on a wall. I knew that Jews were getting a bad press through the series of accidents I had perpetrated so I decided to wipe their slate clean. Disguising my writing by spelling the word "Jews" wrong my intention was to write "The Juwes are not the men to be blamed for nothing more than these terrible atrocities which I can say with some conviction they have nothing to do with."
However I was interrupted by a policeman so I ran off before I could finish.
The ninth of November is a night I can never forget, no matter how hard I try. I was checking up on Mary Kelly who was complaining about a headache so I gave her some tonic from my private selection. However I realised my fatal error too late. I had given nitro-glycerine instead of a rejuvenating syrup.
Mary Kelly exploded and she went all over the room, as a doctor I frantically gathered all her bits to put her back together, but was too late. She had died of what I believe was exhaustion. And of course I ran off again.
So there it is, it's good to finally get all of that off my chest. I am Jack, and I apologize formally for all my clumsy behaviour. Now you all know, you’d better pack up this website and say your fond farewells to what has been a very interesting series of theories and explanations, but now you know the whole truth and everything I’ve done, except how of course I survived for another hundred and seventeen years.
But that’s a story for next time.
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Jennifer D. Pegg
Assistant Commissioner
Username: Jdpegg
Post Number: 2035
Registered: 2-2003
| | Posted on Thursday, March 17, 2005 - 12:47 pm: |
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good,
these things are worth knowing!
"Uncle Bulgaria,He can remember the days when he wasn't behind The Times"
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Phil Hill
Inspector
Username: Phil
Post Number: 200
Registered: 1-2005
| | Posted on Thursday, March 17, 2005 - 1:17 pm: |
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Shouldn't this be in "creative writing"? |
George Hutchinson
Inspector
Username: Philip
Post Number: 425
Registered: 1-2005
| | Posted on Thursday, March 17, 2005 - 4:29 pm: |
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Phil - no, this is clearly the work of JTR and worthy of debate. "Did MJK explode?", "Is Tabram a Ripper victim (version #68)" and, of course, "Why does Goulston Street have an extra 'h'"?
Seriously, though - it was quite entertaining.
I do worry about the mental stability of some of the guests, though!
Maybe it is Jack after all.
PHILIP
Tour guides do it loudly in front of a crowd!
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Jeff Leahy
Sergeant
Username: Jeffl
Post Number: 28
Registered: 2-2005
| | Posted on Friday, March 18, 2005 - 8:08 am: |
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NO No... I'm Jack the Ripper and So's my wife.
Your right, it's great to get it off your chest.
Sparticus. |
Robert Charles Linford
Assistant Commissioner
Username: Robert
Post Number: 4262
Registered: 3-2003
| | Posted on Friday, March 18, 2005 - 8:21 am: |
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I must say that "Jack" seems very accident-prone. Come on now, own up : it's Norman Wisdom, isn't it?
Robert |
Joan Taylor
Unregistered guest
| | Posted on Thursday, March 17, 2005 - 1:39 pm: |
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Oh Phil, belt up, you grumpy fart. That's a lovely bit creative writing, fab, ( I laughed three times in a row, if you knew how unusual that was..............) and I think it's got a good undercurrent of truth to it, ....was Gull or Cream or Tumblety in a frame of mind to pedantically justify his actions to a certain extent? |
Sergeant Charles Eyton
Unregistered guest
| | Posted on Saturday, March 19, 2005 - 5:09 pm: |
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What's Norman Wisdom?
I didn't know there were any Viking philosophers. |
Jack the Ripper
Unregistered guest
| | Posted on Sunday, March 20, 2005 - 10:05 pm: |
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Dear listeners I return to this thread with a certain amount of perplexion.
Last week I bared my soul and the grossly befuddling accounts of my crime and escape from late Victorian England but as yet I am still un-incarcerated and unpunished.
I also find that this website is still running, people are still theorising and Patricia Cornwell is still collecting royalties. I don't quite understand this laidback attitude people are taking to my confession of atrocious blunders.
I noticed also a reference to my story as creative writing but I can't see how it's any more creative than what the Sickert, Carroll or Masonic camps say.
As for the camp I've recently pithced I can't give you a better answer than what Philip aka George Hutchinson said (By the way, thanks for what you told Abberline, that really kept me in of the clear). I am worthy of debate. In fact more than just your average debate, what I've said here is of a titantic importance, everybody who visits this sight should be part of the debate.
Maybe we could even organize the mass debating at a later date but what is of paramount significance now is for someone to tell my story to a police officer or an adult so I can be judged by a court of law, rather than the sympathetic keyboards of loyal Ripper buffs.
In the meantime if anyone wants to ask me any questions about certain aspects of the case I'd be only too happy to comply.
Best wishes,
Your pal Jacky.
From Hell
PO BOX 38965
New Zealand.
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Dustin Gould
Unregistered guest
| | Posted on Sunday, April 03, 2005 - 9:27 pm: |
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I think someone forgot to take their meds this morning. And I'm simply AMAZED, that someone can type so well while wearing a straight jacket! |
Busy Beaver
Detective Sergeant
Username: Busy
Post Number: 71
Registered: 5-2004
| | Posted on Sunday, April 10, 2005 - 3:32 pm: |
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Unfortunately murder is a serious business and the victims did not deserve to die in the way in which they did. However, if you look at the case and the bumbling way in which the Police were never around or they cocked things up, witnesses telling porkies and at crucial times, no witnesses at all, I think all the murders were pulled together by the police to convince the people of the time that one person committed them, hence why no-one was ever charged. The Dear Boss etc letters were written by policemen with too much time on their hands as they knew no-one was going to be caught because Jack did not exist, except in their own lunch hour.
Busy Beaver |
Suzi Hanney
Assistant Commissioner
Username: Suzi
Post Number: 2306
Registered: 7-2003
| | Posted on Sunday, April 10, 2005 - 4:15 pm: |
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Ok I read it and was determined NOT to laugh but hate to say it I did.....
Norman Wisdom does indeed spring to mind.....Mr Grimsdale was 'shurely' about in Mitre Sq I feel
Suzi :/
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Glenn G. Lauritz Andersson
Assistant Commissioner
Username: Glenna
Post Number: 3373
Registered: 8-2003
| | Posted on Sunday, April 10, 2005 - 4:55 pm: |
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Well, that was one theory no one ever have managed to come up with before -- not even Stephen Knight or Patricia Cornwell -- namely that Jack the Ripper was nothing but a helpful night wanderer struck by extreme bad luck.
I can hear him after every incident -- "Aw rats!"
I tried not to laugh as well, but I too hate to say I couldn't help it. Entertaining and clever, although not in the best of taste... 
All the best
G. Andersson, author/crime historian
Sweden
The Swedes are the men That Will not be Blamed for Nothing
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Suzi Hanney
Assistant Commissioner
Username: Suzi
Post Number: 2312
Registered: 7-2003
| | Posted on Sunday, April 10, 2005 - 5:21 pm: |
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Glenn Check the R D'O thread!!!! hehhehehe think we should all get back to Pub talk he heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Suzixxxxx |
George Hutchinson
Inspector
Username: Philip
Post Number: 463
Registered: 1-2005
| | Posted on Sunday, April 10, 2005 - 8:18 pm: |
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Dear Jack
You could not be more of a mistake to humanity than our dear Felicity who posts under the JT moniker above.
I think it is worth looking more at the 'fish' angle here. Remember you said you were not 'codding'.
Erm... actually I have no idea where I'm going with this one...
Maybe it's time to belt up, being a grumpy fart (who - bizarrely - needs a shave apparently according to one forwarded e-mail, eh, FJL?)
PHILIP
Tour guides do it loudly in front of a crowd!
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Jack the Ripper
Unregistered guest
| | Posted on Sunday, April 10, 2005 - 11:18 pm: |
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Old Jack here,
Pleased to hear that everyone is having a jolly time reading about my comical capers and I have reserved myself to the fact that perhaps I won't be believed.
On second thoughts I've decided I don't want to go to prison as I hear terrifying tales from the big house on regular occasions.
And George Hutchinson, Hutchy, me old mucker Hutch, can I call you Hutch? Hutch, the fish point of view was not disregarded, the word codding which appeared in a letter with my name on it was actually written by my madly illiterate sister Millicent.
She knew nothing of my involvement and it was just an incredible coincidence.
I suppose I'll never be revealed as the actual Jack the Ripper by the top brass minds but then again I expect no one will. There are conflicting viewpoints from different witnesses and at the end of the day that's the closest to proof of my identity that there'll ever be.
However interestingly enough there was one witness who saw me around a number of the murders. He was a small black and blue creature but he never seemed in the slightest bit interested it what I was doing.
P.S. Just who is this Norman Wisdom? |
George Hutchinson
Inspector
Username: Philip
Post Number: 467
Registered: 1-2005
| | Posted on Thursday, April 14, 2005 - 1:56 pm: |
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Does all this mean that Jack The Ripper is none other than our much-loved stranger, Wintergreen?
If so, no wonder he knew so much about Diddles. I mean - come on, folks. How much more proof do we need here?
Diddles did it.
PHILIP
Tour guides do it loudly in front of a crowd!
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Lindsey C Hollifield
Chief Inspector
Username: Lindsey
Post Number: 564
Registered: 9-2004
| | Posted on Saturday, December 17, 2005 - 2:26 am: |
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Okies, people.
Ignoring Philip Hutchinson's ever-there-in-your-face stalker. Who the *hell* was Jack the Ripper?
Love, as always,
Lyn x
(Sorry, forgot the emphasis.)
(Message edited by lindsey on December 17, 2005)
My first reaction is, "OMG that's crazy". But then I'm thinking this just may be crazy enough to work.
copyright © Bradley McGinnis Sept. 2005
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George Hutchinson
Chief Inspector
Username: Philip
Post Number: 933
Registered: 1-2005
| | Posted on Saturday, December 17, 2005 - 1:20 pm: |
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Lyn - it was Luciano Pavarotti.
Nothing to back that up. It just was.
PHILIP
Tour guides do it loudly in front of a crowd!
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Robert Charles Linford
Assistant Commissioner
Username: Robert
Post Number: 5391
Registered: 3-2003
| | Posted on Saturday, December 17, 2005 - 2:04 pm: |
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He'd never have fitted in Kelly's doorway.
Robert |
Jennifer Pegg
Assistant Commissioner
Username: Jdpegg
Post Number: 3339
Registered: 2-2003
| | Posted on Saturday, December 17, 2005 - 2:31 pm: |
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Robert,
that's what you say - prove it!
Jenni
"seein is believin so you better change your specs"
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Robert Charles Linford
Assistant Commissioner
Username: Robert
Post Number: 5392
Registered: 3-2003
| | Posted on Saturday, December 17, 2005 - 3:38 pm: |
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Well you certainly couldn't get the three tenors in there.
Not unless Room 13 was a Tardis.
Robert
(Message edited by Robert on December 17, 2005) |
Lindsey C Hollifield
Chief Inspector
Username: Lindsey
Post Number: 566
Registered: 9-2004
| | Posted on Saturday, December 17, 2005 - 3:40 pm: |
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Thank you. I was just curious was all.
Robert, I'm sure he would have. A little lard, maybe, or the adjustment of the door frame by an inch or two.. he's as good a suspect as any presented before, and we can make him fit if we have to.
As always,
Lyn x
My first reaction is, "OMG that's crazy". But then I'm thinking this just may be crazy enough to work.
copyright © Bradley McGinnis Sept. 2005
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George Hutchinson
Chief Inspector
Username: Philip
Post Number: 934
Registered: 1-2005
| | Posted on Saturday, December 17, 2005 - 6:50 pm: |
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Well we have our answer. Pavarotti cannot have killed MJK because he couldn't fit in the room, which means either Carreras (excuse spelling if wrong) or Domingo did it. Therefore, Pavarotti must have done one or 3 of the other 4. If we take PN, AC and CE as definitely being victims of Jack The Ripper we can therefore assume our Italian tenor is indeed classified as a serial killer. The other two are responsible for MJK and ES but we currently have no way of knowing who did what.
I know this is in bad taste, but The Three Tenors aren't funny!
PHILIP
Tour guides do it loudly in front of a crowd!
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Robert Charles Linford
Assistant Commissioner
Username: Robert
Post Number: 5393
Registered: 3-2003
| | Posted on Sunday, December 18, 2005 - 5:04 am: |
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I think that JTR was a choirboy who had to pack it in when he hit adolescence and his knife broke.
Robert |
Spiro
Sergeant
Username: Auspirograph
Post Number: 46
Registered: 9-2005
| | Posted on Sunday, December 18, 2005 - 6:21 am: |
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No,no,no,
The three tenors could not have been the killers because they would not have accepted competing with Mary's rendition of "A Violet from Mother's Grave", so maybe Robert's choirboy is close but there is another possibility.
Jack the Ripper was a Ventriloquist's Dummy! I know it's true because I read it on the internet.
http://www.thespoof.com/news/spoof.cfm?headline=s1i9755 |
Robert Charles Linford
Assistant Commissioner
Username: Robert
Post Number: 5395
Registered: 3-2003
| | Posted on Sunday, December 18, 2005 - 7:11 am: |
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Nice one, Spiro. I assume he muttered "Gottle of ginger geer" as he butchered Kelly.
Robert |
Lindsey C Hollifield
Chief Inspector
Username: Lindsey
Post Number: 567
Registered: 9-2004
| | Posted on Sunday, December 18, 2005 - 7:42 am: |
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Philip Hutchinson wrote:
..but The Three Tenors aren't funny!
Actually, nor is Harry Secombe, really. Not when you look at things in perspective. I've always somewhat suspected he was really all Three Tenors rolled into one. And I doubt he'd have fit through the door either.
Lyn x
(Message edited by lindsey on December 18, 2005)
My first reaction is, "OMG that's crazy". But then I'm thinking this just may be crazy enough to work.
copyright © Bradley McGinnis Sept. 2005
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George Hutchinson
Chief Inspector
Username: Philip
Post Number: 935
Registered: 1-2005
| | Posted on Sunday, December 18, 2005 - 7:46 am: |
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Spiro - had you not considered it was precisely BECAUSE of MJK's singing that one of them killed her?
Lyn - my best friend killed Harry Secombe. He was cooking for Harry and his family at the hospital up the road from me when he died. Any rumours I had loaned him books on Crippen are denied.
PHILIP
Tour guides do it loudly in front of a crowd!
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Eddie Derrico
Detective Sergeant
Username: Eddie
Post Number: 146
Registered: 9-2005
| | Posted on Sunday, December 18, 2005 - 8:24 am: |
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Jack the Ripper
I hope your letters to Santa Claus are nicer than the ones you sent to Central News.
Yours Truly,
Eddie |
Lindsey C Hollifield
Chief Inspector
Username: Lindsey
Post Number: 569
Registered: 9-2004
| | Posted on Sunday, December 18, 2005 - 8:32 am: |
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Sir Harry is no longer with us? When did this happen? And where was I, what was I doing, and how come I didn't hear until now?
Are all the other UK singers that got us through the war and 'sixties okay? (An ex-pat needs to know these things.)
Eddie:
That was a very nice post.
Merry Christmas,
Lyn x
My first reaction is, "OMG that's crazy". But then I'm thinking this just may be crazy enough to work.
copyright © Bradley McGinnis Sept. 2005
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Spiro
Sergeant
Username: Auspirograph
Post Number: 47
Registered: 9-2005
| | Posted on Sunday, December 18, 2005 - 9:35 am: |
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Hi Philip,
Hadn't considered that although I think someone mentioned it a while back too. So I suppose a theory based on the idea of a massed East End London choir is out of the question. Oh well...back to the drawing board...
Now that its confirmed Santa was not a suspect on the list, a happy xmas to all.
Spiro |
Suzi Hanney
Assistant Commissioner
Username: Suzi
Post Number: 3421
Registered: 7-2003
| | Posted on Sunday, December 18, 2005 - 11:16 am: |
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Harry,Spike,Michael and the divine Peter are no longer with us sadly............................I'm walking backwards for Christmas though!
Suzi x |
Robert Charles Linford
Assistant Commissioner
Username: Robert
Post Number: 5398
Registered: 3-2003
| | Posted on Sunday, December 18, 2005 - 1:12 pm: |
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Suzi, I'm sure they're not really dead. They merely sent cardboard replicas to their funerals.
Goon but not forgotten.
Robert |
Lindsey C Hollifield
Chief Inspector
Username: Lindsey
Post Number: 571
Registered: 9-2004
| | Posted on Sunday, December 18, 2005 - 1:39 pm: |
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Rather sad news, really, out of the blue and all that. But sort of relieved I missed out on the obligatory Radio One over-playing -- that comes with every passing -- of the Ying Tong Song, at least. The chorus always drove me nuts after a while.
Love,
Lyn x
My first reaction is, "OMG that's crazy". But then I'm thinking this just may be crazy enough to work.
copyright © Bradley McGinnis Sept. 2005
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Eddie Derrico
Detective Sergeant
Username: Eddie
Post Number: 147
Registered: 9-2005
| | Posted on Monday, December 19, 2005 - 7:47 am: |
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Lyn
Thank You and Merry Christmas to you and everyone .
yours Truly,
Eddie |
Suzi Hanney
Assistant Commissioner
Username: Suzi
Post Number: 3453
Registered: 7-2003
| | Posted on Thursday, December 22, 2005 - 4:25 pm: |
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Meanwhile back on the MJK 'Blotchy' Thread.....
Suzi x |
